Everything is a problem. Nothing is ever right. Nothing can EVER be right. The abuser has to control the agenda. The abuser has to be sure everybody knows he/she is the victim.
Here are some interesting examples of abuse I've experienced just this evening:
"Why did you leave that vacuum cleaner here?" Earlier in the day, I'd been reminded several times that the refrigerator condenser needs to be vacuumed. In her mind, that meant I should do it right when she asks. Otherwise, she'll keep reminding. I deliberately wait until later in the evening, when I'm ready to do the job. I go to the laundry room, take out the vacuum, set it up near the refrigerator. I walk out of the room and she immediately yells after me, "Why is that vacuum cleaner out? Please put it away!" I don't answer, I go upstairs to retrieve the foot stool that I will need to actually do the job. This is a classic example. Unless she asks me to do something, she can't imagine that I'd ever be doing anything right, because "I'm shiftless" I guess. What the fuck.
"You can't watch THAT TV!" I am living in another room in the house; not the master bedroom. We recently put a TV and cable box in here, so eventually we can use it as a workout room, and there will be a TV to relieve the boredom of working out (actually I prefer listening to podcasts, but that's obviously just me). Because she's angry at me, she comes in and takes away the remote controls and proceeds to go hide them somewhere in the house. She makes the excuse that because I wasn't 100% into the idea of buying the TV, that somehow I must be punished and can't use the TV.
"Here's a pillow, you'll have plenty of time to pursue your porn." She throws a pillow at me, and locks the master bedroom. I on the other hand, am staying in the spare room, which has no lock. When I go to this room, I experience constant confrontations. She comes in when I have the light off, and turns the light on, yells at me, and leaves the room, with the door still open and the light still on. This feels like a very deliberate imbalance. I have to say, the light turning on feels like getting the 3rd degree. These are behaviors I would never dream of doing to anyone, but they are second nature to her.
Nearly a year later, I persist in this environment. Either I get off on it, I am seriously co-dependent. It's only on the days when I simply act on my own agenda that things start to resemble normal life. Must keep acting on that impulse.
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